My eating disorder story in pictures

Sooo. I was always at a healthy weight for most of my life until my sophomore year of high school. In connection with an unhealthy diet, coupled with an inactive lifestyle due to my chronic pain, I started gaining weight. Now I was already unhappy and isolated because of my chronic pain. But after I gained weight I remember being totally uncomfortable in my body. It felt to foreign to me and I remember feeling so self-conscious surrounded by all the other skinny high schoolers. I felt obese, when in reality I was only 10 or so pounds over my set weight. Here is a picture from this time.

This continued over the summer and into the beginning of my Junior year of high school. Here is a picture from a Thanksgiving trip to Texas. Around this time my chronic headache situation was totally out of control and I was feeling helpless. My weight still bothered me and I was determined to do something.

For Lent the spring of my Junior year I gave up inbetween meal snacks. This slight lifestyle change brought quick results and by the end of Lent I had lost about the 10 extra pounds. Happy with these results and still unhappy with my body I continued to eat healthy and started exercising, riding my bike a lot. This picture is from the beginning of the summer before my senior year of high school. I would say that around this time I was definitely involved in disordered eating and on the brink of an eating disorder.

The fall semester of my Senior year was a quick descent into an eating disorder, specifically anorexia nervosa. I restricted more and more to the point where I was eating no breakfast, a 150 calorie lunch (mini bagel and sugarfree applesauce), and a dinner of around 300 calories with my family. I was afraid of any food that wasn’t one of my “regular safe foods” and never ate fat, desserts, chips, or any other fear foods. I thought that I was in control of my life though I still was unhappy with my body. In the following picture I distinctly remember how fat I felt at our family Christmas picture and how I thought that everyone was staring at my gross rolls and muffin top. When In actuality I was about 15 lbs underweight and the only thing my family was staring at were my protruding bones.

 

 

 

 

 

This descent into anorexia continued and overshadowed my entire senior year of high school. Each day was a battle, I would hide out in the library or chapel during lunch so that I wouldn’t have to make excuses about my now non-existent lunch or shrinking body.  I was lieing and throwing out food, things I would normally never do, but I wasn’t really me anymore. My eyes were vacant and I barely have any pictures from the late spring of my senior year. here is one from march, but I didn’t get down to my lowest weight until late May.  But I have no pictures from that time. 

 

This next picture is from the end of the summer before I went to college. I had gained back some of the weight over the summer under the threat of postponing college and was beginning to reach health again. I haven’t been at this weight since that time.

I continued to gain back the weight, though in an unhealthy manner unfortunately. I spent my freshman year of college restricting and then bingeing. The bingeing would come on suddenly, I would steal friends and roommates foods, eat vending machine food, anything. The binges were uncontrollable.

My sophomore year of college marks another peak in weight, it was the closest I’d been to my high school high weight due to the bingeing and lack of exercise again. I had never really dealt with my eating disorder and had simply let it morph from anorexia to ED-NOS and now to bulimia. I started purging and going fasting following binges. My weight pretty much plateaued from my Junior year till the present. There have been gains and losses but never dramatic enough for people in my life to notice.

fall break sophomore year of college

Spring of my Junior year of college

new haircut during the fall of Senior year of college 🙂

Finally, a pic of me today. A few weeks ago on vacation in Michigan hiking.

Today I’ve managed to remain at a healthy weight following graduating from college. I have started to lose a few pounds lately but I wouldn’t exactly call it  a relapse yet. So, this is my eating disorder story in pictures. I’ve been through the gauntlet over the past 7 years, and I hope that the next 7 are closer to health and less disordered.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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I am now an adult…and the real world is a tough place

Sooo, a lot has happened since I last posted (I believe in April?) For a quick recap and to bring you all up to date.

I graduated from college:

I partied it up, rejoicing in a break from academia

my brother graduated from 8th grade; so we had two graduates in the fam

I went to beautiful Utah for two glorious weeks:

Bryce Canyon National Park

Have spent hours upon hours, searching for and applying for jobs across the country. Sorry no picture of this as it is pretty boring and consists of me sitting in a chair in the corner of my room for hours on end.

Went to Northern MI for yet another week of vacation, soaking up the sun and relaxing.

Sleeping Bear Dunes National Lakeshore

After a pretty crazy summer I am trying to find a rhythm of life.

Most of June I was busy, what with unpacking, being in Utah, celebrating birthdays and graduations. July was a rough month. My job searching became a bit obsessive. I basically did nothing except look for and apply to jobs. I seem to have this idea in my head that if I want to avoid absolute failure and have an excuse for being unemployed than every waking hour must be spent on the computer looking for a job. Needless to say a month of this left me emotionally a wreck. I had zero interaction with people outside of my family who I would only interact with after 6:00, I didn’t exercise at all, and my prayer life went out the window. Luckily, the last week in July I decided to go with my family to Michigan for vacation and was able to reflect on what I wanted my life to look like.

I realized a few things there, laying on the beach. 🙂

1.  I can not control whether someone will hire me. I have had a half dozen interviews and none of them have panned out. All I can do is apply for jobs, put my best foot forward, and trust that in God’s perfect timing the job that I am supposed to have will work out.

2. I need a more balanced life. Upon returning home from vacation I took up running, something I have NEVER done before. I always hated running. The starting it might have been partly ED’s suggestion, but I am really enjoying it now. I run about 3 miles a day and have the cutest running shoes! I also started going back to daily Mass and getting my prayer life in order.

3. I need to talk to someone about my mental health. Since graduating I stopped seeing my therapist and had not really talked to anyone about my eating disorder, anxiety, or depression. So I sent off an email to my old therapist and we’ve had a few phone sessions. Obviously, this is just a temporary fix. She wants me in a local intensive outpatient eating disorder program, but I honestly don’t think I’m sick enough for that, so we’ll see.

4. I needed to find ways to fill my time. I’ve been helping around the house like crazy: dishes, laundry, dinner, groceries, cleaning, chauffeuring my brother, basically being the mom, as my own is quite busy getting her classroom ready with school approaching. Also, I’ve landed a part-time job nannying a 3 yr old 3 days a week from 7:30-4:00 and picking up her 4 older brothers and sisters from school. It is nice to feel needed and useful rather than a waste of space and a failure. Keeping busy is also a great distraction and helpful for me to get out of my head and into reality.

Whew! If you made it this far congrats! I plan on doing a whole separate post to update you all on the food and other coexisting disorders situation as this post is long enough already. Until then, stay safe, thanks for reading, and know that you are all in my prayers!

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People are reading this

Hello,

The paradox of life continues. People are reading this blog – I want to communicate with you – but the constant sense of drowning stops me. I want to be able to put words to my experience, to share my existence, my life’s activity with others, but I am so tired.

I don’t know if I ever shared the fact that I emailed my old therapist for the number of that nutritionist. I have now had the number of that nutritionist for over 2 weeks. It sits in my phone and every day it stares at me and my sense of self-preservation wills me to call it. I can’t though. I feel like I am not sick enough, I don’t have enough of a problem to call her. That I would be a waste of time, because I am not sick, not dying, not emaciated. My not having a scale is making these anxieties even worse. I think that in actuality I am losing weight. Technically I have to be losing weight. For over three weeks I have exercised 4 days a week while eating very little. But I feel as though I’ve gained weight. I think I am going crazy. I can’t seem to do anything, to will anything, to care about anything.

If you are reading this. Thank you. I wish I could communicate more accurately, but this is how a malnourished brain communicates. I need to ask for help, but part of me still wants to wait and see how far I can go before someone asks if I’m okay. I want people to see that I’m not okay. I want them to wonder if I’m not okay, if I don’t have it all together, if perhaps I am not doing okay. I don’t want to have to say that I’m drowning. I want someone to see me sinking and pull me out. I can’t yell for help right now. My body is my SOS.

I found this song on a friend’s facebook and am currently mesmerized by it. I hope some of you find it as beautiful as I do:

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quitting therapy

It’s a long story, but suffice to say I am quitting therapy. As to whether or not I will be seeking another therapist…I’ll see.

It's kind of been like this: A person can only have their experience validated so much

There were a lot of things wrong with this therapeutic alliance and I’ve held on for so long thinking that it must be better than nothing. I finally realized that increased hopelessness is not better than nothing. There’s a limit to how beneficial cheerleading and validating my experience can be. I need to be challenged and unfortunately my knowing I need to be challenged, but not knowing the way is why I am in in therapy. If I knew why I can’t change I wouldn’t need to go to therapy. I short, the accountability that I used therapy for is not worth me staying. I’m quitting at our appt on monday unless I can get in on thursday and quit then.

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man is alive so long as he waits

“Advent is concerned with that very connection between memory and hope which is so necessary to man. Advent’s intention is to awaken the most profound and basic emotional memory within us, namely, the memory of the God who became a child. This is a healing memory; it brings hope. The purpose of the Church’s year is continually to rehearse her great history of memories, to awaken the heart’s memory so that it can discern the star of hope.…

It is the beautiful task of Advent to awaken in all of us memories of goodness and thus to open doors of hope.” –Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger (Pope Benedict XVI), Seek That Which Is Above,1986

Happy first week of Advent! In Catholicism Advent is a time of waiting and preparation before Christmas. The Advent Wreath represents the long time when people lived in spiritual darkness, waiting for the coming of the Messiah, the Light of the world. Each year in Advent people wait once again in darkness for the coming of the Lord, His historical coming in the mystery of Bethlehem, His final coming at the end of time, and His special coming in every moment of grace.

 

Personally, I have always loved Advent. Particularly this year I am grateful for the gift of advent. Having four weeks to focus on hope and the gifts of joy, peace, and other virtues serves to remind me that I am not alone.

I will be posting daily meditations here and relating them to my own reflections with my own struggles and how I am doing. Though I am still very much struggling I look forward to the Advent journey!

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true

copyright post secret 11/14/10

yet i remain aware i’m not alone

• Things have been crappy moodwise
• Things are “better” foodwise –  interpret this as you will
• Thanksgiving Break is only 9 days away
• I’m going to be doing a big post – I’ve been assessing my life/goals/future/desires/emotions/etc…

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I’m back – maybe

JMJ

So, I’ve been reading blogs again lately and have been feeling the urge to blog. I’ve held off for a while because I’m not doing well and I know it wouldn’t be too positive. But then I thought hey, I blog because it helps me first and foremost; if others want to come along they are more than welcome.

Quick recap – AKA real quick – I had a stellar summer, largely free of behaviors, including weight maintenance, and improvement in body image. I had a good 4.5 month streak. During this time I …

went to the Holy Land

Old City of Jerusalem from a rooftop

Enjoyed a fun summer filled with work, the pool, and fun vacations…

Field Museum in Chicago

Sunset on Lake Michigan

Brother and I after an intense 4 mile hike over sand dunes in August

I then proceeded to mourn the end of summer and head back to school to start my Senior year of college! Ahhh how did it go this quick! I helped with freshman orientation After that the semester has flown by in a whirl of activity and homework. Highlights have included: my school’s celebration of the 100th birthday of Mother Teresa  studying hard…all the time…. celebrating school traditions like oktoberfest and homecoming bed races

each dorm had a bed frame with wheels and there is a relay race throughout campus

I went home for fall break and took a day trip to Chicago

And am now in the throes of paper season before Thanksgiving Break: 2 down, 6 more to go.

Whew. If you’ve made it this far congrats. I came back to school doing the best I have in years. I felt good, both physically and mentally. Unfortunately, somewhere in the midst of all this business things have fallen apart. Starting in the end of September extras started being cut out of my diet unconsciously and before I knew it whole meals had somehow been eliminated.

Worse is that I haven’t restricted like this before. Explanation: I restricted for many years, but in my minds it was a reasonable restriction, nothing that would kill me, keeping my intake to around 750-850 cals daily. The past three weeks have been a blur. I won’t post how much I am consuming now, but just say that it is substantially less and for once I can actually tell the toll it is taking on me physically. I can’t sleep which kills me, I get these sores on my face, etc…The best way I can describe where I’m at right now is that I’ve kind of embraced a take no prisoners stance and have given ED free reign. My therapist is quite upset and has been threatening to take action for the past two weeks.

In all honesty, I don’t know why I’m posting all this. I just need to get it out. To say it “outloud”, to make it real. I plan to continue posting again for as long as it continues to remain a cathartic release.

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journal excerpt

Frozen, unable to move                                                                                                                     my mind stands still, no, not still – immobile                                                                            I can’t breathe, can’t think, can’t live                                                                                          a whisper…….I’m not okay

I’m not okay.

I don’t know if I’ve ever said these exact words out loud to another person before. Admitting this statement feels like weakness; like admitting a fatal flaw or an unforgivable imperfection. How do i say it? I have practiced over and over again, because in reality…I long to say it. I’m not okay. Uttering these three words would mean letting go; letting go and letting down my own personal Berlin Wall, my iron curtain that keeps me separate from other people, any people, every person.

It feels like a crime to utter these words. I’m not okay. People expect joy and happiness from me. I’m supposed to be better. I’m supposed to be healed – recovered. I’m supposed to have made my peace with God. I should be okay. But I’m not and that is hard to accept. This hurts. It is painful to say: I’m not okay.

I don’t have the right to still be broken. After all these years of pain and suffering, followed by relief and recovery, I should be healed; should be whole. I don’t “get” to be broken anymore. I’ve used up my sympathy card; my life’s quota of suffering is expired. I can’t be broken anymore; but I am. I am still broken. I am not healed. And so, still I am not okay.

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Finals are in 2.5 weeks and I will be home for summer in about 3.5 weeks. I’m in the midst of formulating a plan (maybe) and will let you all know what that entails as soon as I know because it will be good for me to put it here. Somehow it makes things more real once I post them. Have a good weekend all.

“Never to suffer would never to have been blessed.” -Edgar Allan Poe

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taking action

Options…..

After therapy today I’ve been evaluating my options. And while I am still sorting through the plausible scenarios for the summer I’ve com up with several viable possibilities that I could act upon in the next week. This is how the options go:

1. Do nothing.

2. Set up a time to talk with Fr. B

3. Set up a time to talk with S (mentor/friend)

4. Do nothing.

5. Call Fr. K (mentor at home) – ask him to remind me of certain things about which I need to be reminded

6. Do nothing.

7. Talk to friends about what is going on – ask for support.

8. Tell parents what is going on – ask to see a therapist when I come home.

9. Do nothing.

10. Continue to do nothing.

Clearly it all boils down to one essential option: to take action or to do nothing. Which one do I choose? Right now I am choosing to do nothing, which is really quite stupid because I have so many people that want to support and help me and yet I can’t even manage to reach out and ask for help. I feel the compelling urge to continue to reassure everyone that “I’m doing pretty good” and that “don’t worry I’m holding it all together.” While I know (and they probably know too) that these are complete lies. Right now I am choosing the “do nothing” option. Which really shouldn’t even be an option.

Anyways, a lot went down in therapy today and we talked about some things which are really difficult for me. I have a lot of processing to do but I have therapy again on thurs and will do a more indepth update then. Until then I’m off to tutor and do homework out in the lovely sun.

Enjoy the beautiful day!

went for a lovely walk today w/some good friends to enjoy the spring weather!

This has been my constant hope the last 2 weeks: “So you have sorrow now, but I will see you again and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you.” -John 16:22

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Easter Tuesday

Alleluia, He is risen!! Happy Easter!

I am back at school after a quick jaunt home for 4 days. I got back to school after an 8 hour drive last night at 10:00 and jumped right back into things with 4 classes today. I am exhausted! Also on the crazy front is the fact that I am currently sitting on my bed sweating as I type this. It is only August 6th but it feels like July. My dorm (all the buildings at my school) is old: there is only heat or AC. Seeing as it is only April guess what is still on. Today the temp reached 83 degrees and the heat is on! We have all the doors and windows open but it isn’t making much of a difference. Oh well, it is nice to have the sun back!

I have only 6 weeks left till I go home for the summer and leave for my trip to the Holy Land. I am glad but extremely anxious. I have so much to do! My time at home was very stressful and I am worried a predictor of what is to come this summer. I did a lot of journaling over the break and decided that I would share these honest self-reflections.

Good Friday-4-2-10  *note I am not proud of these feelings but this is an accurate portrayal of my current mental state*

I am beginning to recognize that I have a problem. I recognize that my life cannot continue this way if I want to be happy. However, this realization is useless. I recognize that I cannot love God fully, live life fully, until I give Him this cross and let Him help me carry it – but as clearly as I see that in this present moment – it doesn’t matter. I hate myself. I want to be thin, to punish myself through self-deprivation. I cannot let myself be all that I want. I cannot love God, I cannot love my family or friends as I want, as I truly want to because I cannot love the good that is in myself. I can’t let God love me. I can’t do anything. I am stuck in no man’s land – unable to be an adult, to old to be a child. I don’t know what is going to happen to me because I can’t move – I can’t live my life. I’ve never felt like more of a failure and I can’t seem to get going – to grow up. I feel like Alice, trapped in a world that is not reality; I’m trapped in my mind where all I can care about is food and becoming more thin.

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